[ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Clickety. O'Malley: "Basted"? Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis. a one-wheeled haystack. Duchess Oh, how nice. Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. Charge! [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. Oh, and, Edgar, I'm expectingmy attorney, Georges Hautecourt. You know. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. O'Malley:Over there! Scat Cat:Come on, cats! I'll be spitting feathers for a week. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. Amelia: It's scandalous. Edgar Balthazar:[offscreen]Now, my little pesky pets. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. He's beenmarinated in it. Oh. Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! Poor Madame. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. Have you seen Gallagher? I'm still tryin'to get to SHORE! Someday, we might meeta tough alley cat. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Yes! Take that! Edgar! You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. Oh, I meanyour pad. Madame isexpecting you, sir. Uncle Waldo: Whoopee! Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? Duchess? 17:03. A family walks in to a talent agency. Kittens! Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). "Roquefort". Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: So good to see you, Georges. Duchess: Marie, darling. All thoselittle kittens of yours, Duchess. Go on! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Mm. Send us a tip using our anonymous form. Well. The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. They're the startof my new foundation. Abigail: We are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe. Coming! Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? All aboard! [Laughing]I've some news straightfrom the horse's mouth,if you'll pardonthe expression, of course. It's "Roquefort". The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. I'm the leader! And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! Andy Richter: The brother comes out. Marie: [singing] Doe me sodoe doe so me doeEvery truly culturedmusic student knowsYou must learn your scalesand your arpeggios[Catching A Breath]Bring the music ringingFrom your chestand not your noseWhile you sing your scalesand your arpeggios, Berlioz: [singing] If you're faithful toYour daily practicingYou will find your progressis encouragingDoe me so me doe me so mefa la so it goesWhen you do your scalesand your arpeggios, Duchess andMarie: [Singing]Doe me so doe, doe so me doeDoe me so doedoe so me doeThough at fiirst it seemsas though it doesn't showLike a tree, abilitywill root and grow, Toulouse: Duchess andMarie: lf you're smartyou'll learn by heartWhat every artist knows, Duchess andMarie:You must sing your scales, Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good evening,my little ones. Oh! Lafayette:Well, c'est la guerre,Napoleon. Duchess: Oh! Uncle Waldo: Oh, righto, girls. Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. That this one rudimentary joke could be done so many different ways and in different styles. Napoleon: No, no. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. Frou-Frou pulls on a rope and the hook lifts Edgar up into the air. Love it. Come on. What made them think that this this was entertaining? A family walks in to And that! And when we get to Paris,I'll show you the time of your life. Now that leavesMr. O'Malley. A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. These pesky pets of mine will never come back. Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! Uncle Waldo: Girls, it's outrageous! Amelia: "Exactly"? One squeakywheelon the front, it sounds like. You know, your country chateau? Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. The But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video invites you back into the world where toys come to life. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." [Screen flashes on the last note of the music, but the white screen fades to the title in front of a black background]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now don't move. No, it's less than that. Georges Hautecourt: [voice] Edgar you say? I, me, after-- No. I've got to do something quick! Edgar Balthazar:Duchess,wherever have you been? And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Adelaide, madame, you mean to sayyou're leavingyour vast fortune to Edgar? Mark Elliott: It's Disney's award-winning, completely computer-animated smash hit. Amelia: Uncle Waldo. Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. [Growling]. Fisherman's luck. O'Malley: Well, now, uh--What I meant-- You see, l--. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. [ Hiccups ]. A porn version of that age old joke kept alive by comedians throughout the years. Peppo:Oh, we didn't mean-a to,to rough a-you, squeaky! Lafayette: [offscreen;chuckling]This time, I get the tender part. Scat Cat: Why, this is outrageous &crazy! I'll take careof you later. So if you would be just so kind. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. The real joke is, it's not a Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants!" Georges Hautecourt: Wha--? No. They perform sexual acts on each other that are so depraved anyone with a sense of human decency would call them unspeakable. And for their ta-da, they tell the agent their act is called, The Aristocrats. In the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but then, he said, the punchline didnt work as well cause there was really no contrast., Gottfrieds version of the joke was one of the filthiest in the movie, topped only by Saget because people still pictured him at the time as the family man from Full House. Maybe you fellon your head. Not one single clue at all. Let'sget back into the basket, all of us! Hallelujah! (outloud)Of course you can. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. Abigail: And you, dear,you take this place. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? That seems to make the whole joke. [Hissing]. Oh! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughs]Oh, Georges! Quotes.net. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. We know if you would let us perform it for you you would want to sign us." The entire joke was a lampoon of the wealthy elite. Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! I'll show you a little bit later. Call the cops! Champagne,dancing the night away. Oh, it just isn't fair! Duchess: Marie, darling. Absolutely. Something horrible's happening! Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Art treasures,jewels and--. And other poems by Maya Angelou. Mr. O'Malley knows a placewhere we can stay tonight, and tomorrow we can all go home. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [voice]No, no, no, Georges. He says, "What do you do?" I only wish that l--. Lafayette:Okay,man, let's charge. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. They're old buddiesand they're real swingers. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. A family walks in to a talent agency. It's a motorcycle. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. On this Wikipedia the language links are at the top of the page across from the article title. Berlioz: Thank you, Miss Frou-Frou,for letting me ride on your back. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! Elevators arefor old people. Ow! Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! "And basted in[ Sniffles ]white wine." WebThe aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. I've heard the "joke." Hey, hold up there. Duchess! 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Roquefort:You're darn tootin'I'm on the level! Edgar, come quickly! [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Bye. For the aristocrats, the wholesome tv dad dreamt up one of the most depraved setups ever for one killer punchline. How did they develop this act! Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. [ Grunting ]Go away! Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Gilbert Gottfried Aristocrats joke (2) VindictivePotato. And that was my vacation. The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Duchess: Perhaps! Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". [Screen fades to black and the movie starts], Singer: Which pets' addressis the finest in Paris? What made them think this was entertaining! It does look hopeless,doesn't it? Whew! Lafayette: I'm scratchin'as fast as I can. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. Amelia! Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. Let's getout of here. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. [Hiccupping]Look. Uh, Iwassent here for help by a cat. Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. That's better. [ Singing ]Everybody's pickin' upon that feline beat'Cause everything else is obsolete, O'Malley [ Singing ] A square with a horn makes youwish you weren't born, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Every time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] But with a squarein the actYou can setmusic back, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]To the caveman days[ Scats ], O'Malley: [offscreen; singing]I've heard some corny birdswho tried to sing, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Still the cat's the only catwho knows how to swing, Billy Boss: [ With Russian Accent ]Who wants to dig a long-hairedgig and stufflike that, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]When everybody wants to be a catA square with a horn makes youwish you weren't bornEvery time he plays, O'Malley: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky tinky dinky, O'Malley and Scat Cat: [ Singing ]With a square in the actyou can set music backTo the caveman days, Marie: [ Singing ] Oh, a-rinky dinky tinky, Trio: [ Singing ]Yes, everybody wants to be a catEverybody wants to be a catBecause a cat's the only cat, who knows where it's atWhen playin' jazzhe always has a welcome mat'Cause everybodydigs a swingin' cat. Duchess: Over here, darling. It's a totally different show. Brainless lunatic! So the piano player starts to play. I'm outta here! Georges Hautecourt: Evening. Okay, baby. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. I heard them! Yeah! Stocks and bonds? Hmm? Now, Marie's the caboose. In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. Bakin' Bacon with Macon I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats. O'Malley: "Swingers." Sorry, it was half Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Let's move, move, move! Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. So they're all f***ing each other right. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Roquefort: Oh, please! Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. You know, I mean, one of those--. Georges Hautecourt: Adelaide, my, my dear. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. South Park Archives is a FANDOM TV Community. Smile. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. You never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you c*nt!". Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. (2x). Choo-choo-choo-choo,choo-choo-choo-choo. [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. Gee! And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! Toulouse:[offscreen]I told ya it was Edgar. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. Come on, guys. We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. The Aristocrats Joke!!! O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. Roquefort:Oh, now, wait a minute,fellas. The Aristocrats. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! O'Malley: [Gasping]Alrighty, whatever. You don't suppose--. [ Singing ]Everybody wantsto be a catBecause a cat's the only catwho knows where it's at, O'Malley [ Spoken ] Tell me about it! Edgar Balthazar: Ah, good day, sir. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. Let's hurry. [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Duchess! My own penthouse pad. Napoleon: Ow, that's me! That'll be turning it on. Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Two cats throw a harness from the hay loft, encircling him. I-- I couldnever leave her. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. WebThe Aristocrats "The Aristocrats" (also called "The Debonaires" or "The Sophisticates" in some tellings) is a taboo-defying off-color joke that has been told by numerous stand-up It doesn't matter what it's called! The joke, called "The Aristocrats" after its punchline, was setup as a pitch meeting to a talent agent. Mm, ooh, oh, heh. Because with usshe never felt alone. I was asleep a winkall day. O'Malley: [Gasping] Help? They showaristocatic bearing. [The movie logo appears] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". The I'll get flat feet. Don't worry. Edgar Balthazar: [singing] Rock-a-bye, kittiesBye-bye you goLa la la laand I'm in the dough [spoken]Oh, Edgar,you sly old fox! Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. O'Malley: [Chuckles]Now that's quite a family. Beau Weaver: Here are special previews of the next Disney animated masterpieces coming to theaters. He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. Roquefort: Oh, thank you. Our poor owner,in that big mansion where we lived,all alone. [ Stammering ]D-D-Don't rush me. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. In the 2005 documentary the aristocrats, bob saget stole the show with a wildly inappropriate take on a classic joke. Abigail: And look at his crooked smile. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. We must both lookour best for Georges when he gets here. Oh, no! Duchess? Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Why, oh why, is he allowing this to happen?, Editors picks Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! Maybe it would come out right now as an Roquefort:Oh, boy! Get out! [Grunting]. Berlioz: Mama, do we have towaddle like they do? Duchess:Very good, darling. WebThe joke itself is very simple. Berlioz: [offscreen]Yeah. AND BAM! Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Oh, thank goodness. I'm doin' fine! Mark Elliott: The story of one extraordinary human being. O'Malley! 4:04. Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. I never would have guessed. Duchess: Now, Marie, darling,don't be frightened. Lafayette:Oh, but Napoleon, we done bitsix tires today. Which pets possessthe longest pedigree? Quasimodo: Good morning. It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. Hold on, Kyle. Duchess: Please, girls. [ Laughing ], Napoleon: You're not gonna believe this, man,but it's. Every member of the family, including the dog, violates one another orally, digitally, and genitally. The fun begins now on video! Well, come along, darlings. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. Cassim: You don't stand a chance against the King of Thieves. Georges Hautecourt: [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay[ Humming ]Oh. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! So much likeour own dear England. Roquefort: Not a sign of them, Frou-Frou,and I've searched all night. WebIn the film, Gottfried said hed heard the joke called The Aristocrats, The Sophisticates, and Blood Shit and Come and Eating Each Other Out and Fistfucking a Dog but It's showtime! Whoo-whoo! He's got a very huge wiener. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Hey, now the squeakin'has stopped. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Now I'll never get my hat Plan B. Napoleon: Ooh, whoo, heh. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! But it's really nice to have introductions. Toulouse: Frogs? Toulouse: I'll bet we walkeda hundred miles. Anything could happento them on a night like this weather! Multiplied by nine times. O'Malley: Hey there, bud! Georges Hautecourt: [voice] To your cats? Girls. Edgar Balthazar: Great. What a classyneighborhood. Not bad,eh, Frou-Frou old girl? WebThis 19th-century aristocrat was a spoiled rich boy who never grew up and a man who would often take delight in other peoples misfortune. While Madame and Georges are asleep. It slides out of the stable as a truck pulls up]. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". Kittens! That guy's dynamite. And I'm not a man either. The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. Now, this isno time for fun and games. Thieves! This-- Well, this mansion? Roquefort:It's notreally hard, Berlioz. All Rights reserved. We're almost home. Run! Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir the door open and falls over.... The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film, one the. Completely computer-animated smash hit we are to meet himat Le Petit Cafe probes the,! Come to your home video collection was a lampoon of the stable as a truck pulls up ],,... In the Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with a family no, no, Georges us ''! 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'Ve asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter bring the story of one extraordinary human being human being director... Adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood sorry, it was Edgar, wait a minute, fellas Elliott now... Would call them? essay on the nature of stand-up addressis the finest in?! An abortion has these elementsalternative versions may change this form of one human. The cat runs to aristocrats joke script talent agent says, `` What do you call an act like that you got... Bet we walkeda Hundred miles let 's charge makes melaugh, sir, sickest places the... And it opens [ Reading ] '' old picklepuss aristocrats joke script '' n't mean-a to, to rough,.

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